a part of him knew it would happen, how could it not? what are the odds of a human being going their entire life and never having their heart broken? it was inevitable even if he tried to convince himself it wasn't. he spent the whole relationship sitting behind the wheel with his foot pressing the gas all the way to the ground and holding it there. he missed the blinking yellow lights, he sped past the yield signs, he drove to the beating of his heart and not to the pace of his brain. he has always been an incredibly emotional person who gets attached easily to most anyone who shows him kindness and it almost always ends but it never made him feel like this before. it never made him feel so empty, so broken. perhaps what makes it so incredibly difficult is that there is no one to blame, there is no one to be angry at because the breakup, the split was the right thing to do for them both and they had agreed to it. he told her over and over again that he agreed, she was leaving town, a long distance relationship would be too much, it would hurt too much. they had weighed all options but he couldn't go with her and she couldn't stay here. a relationship through text messages and the occasional weekend visit would never be enough, it would never feel real and he would still end up at home, in bed alone almost every night and feel the vacant spot beside him. it was the right thing to do, but god damn it did it feel like the end of the world.

she was his first in every way. marlon has kept this fact a secret from most people because they always looked at him with skepticism. they never believed he could be twenty-five years old and not only never been in a relationship, but never have sex before, but it was true. he had met others over the years whom he wanted to share everything with, to have intimate moments, to form a strong bond with, to build into a relationship but they never wanted him the way he wanted them. before her, he was convinced he was going to die a virgin and he was okay with it because he knew he could never just have sex with someone and leave it at that. he feels everything with every bone in his body and it drives him crazy. she understood. she understood his fear, his anxiety, his past, and she loved him for it. she was kind, she was patient, they didn't even start touching each other until she knew he was ready. she educated him, she respected him, she was kind, and when on the night when he did finally feel ready and they did take that step together, he knew he was deeply in love with her. he had been in love with her before, he knew he was and he had told her so and she told him in return, but that night solidified it for him. he had never been so close to another person and now that he was, he needed more of her every minute he could have her. their connection became so strong, so intense that he feared it would break them..that it would break him...and then it did.

in a weeks time, he went from losing his virginity to losing his love. when she kissed him one last time and walked out the door his whole body tensed, he was frozen in place. in slow motion, he visualized a crack in the middle of his heart slowly forming and eventually splitting in half. as the crack finished forming the tears began to spill from his eyes but he was silent. how could anything hurt so much? all the books he has read his whole life did not properly prepare him for the heartbreak when it did finally happen. he didn't know what to do with himself anymore as so much of his days were consumed by her. she was the first voice he heard in the morning, the last one he heard at night, her smile graced his eyes even when he was dreaming, how can he carry on as if everything is okay when his world just collapsed?

2019 was supposed to be his year, he was supposed to go into it with a big smile, his first (and hopefully) last girlfriend and now he was going into it with nothing, no one, and a broken heart. what a way to start the year.